OMN1P0T3NT

"Quod evenit in labyrintho properantibus: ipsa illos velocitas inplicat - This is what happens when you hurry through a maze: the faster you go, the worse you are entangled." - House of Leaves, P. 115.

For the past couple years, I have been working on magickal prose by way of a project I call(ed) VOIDMAW, utilizing twitter as the main medium, second only to bandcamp. Despite its conception marked by June of 2020, it is as a matter of fact the extension of a spiritual journey I began to embark as early as 2018.

On January 10th, 2020 by way of the Mentalsphere I visited the Land of Kuzikorti / Zutdush and evoked Ket-Lish Nezeshu, who at the time functioned as a reality manipulation servitor. This ritual would change the trajectory of my path forever. That night, the Verdant Lady Nezeshu anointed me with her blood, the blood of her people, those aural holograms of ancient Umbrians. This blood connected me to the genius loci of their land, the Dark Mother Vermi, whose soul resided within all of the undead, both fauna and flora. For the first time in my life, I was Initiated into my own creation. Things would never be the same. I bore the mark well as I embarked on my own self-created divinatory katabasis, this descent into the underworld of my mind. 2020 was just the beginning of the blossomed fruit I bare in my heart, mind, body and soul at this very moment in 2022. I have discovered not only my hobby, but my truth, and I am truly happy. After attempting and failing to write a cohesive story since age 11, my very own life became said story. I shall continue to study religion, spiritualities and the occult until the day I pass on.

All of this to say that this journey has not been easy. My path began with Nezeshu and it seems to have circled back to her. For the past few months I have wandered lost and tormented by the shadows of the Labyrinth within my brain. My mental health not only hit a wall, but crashed through one, and I laid on my back covered in scrapes and scratches, dirt and blood, frothing and weeping, confused and afraid. Figuratively. It was if I was in an abusive relationship with the very artistic medium I indulged in so preciously. My mind turned this notion against me, turning entries into threats and condescension and displays of power and hatred. I was face to face with the Minotaur, and I became its bitch.

I diagnosed the source of this funk. The lack of momentum and drive in my life, the lack of direction. I was sucked into the concurrent sagas within the narrative I was seemingly forced to behold. It became an issue. As YANZUTHOTH was placed into the Lurid Labyrinth, so too was I. So I did the only thing I could do. I conducted a Severance Working on the 30th of April this year. I shook off the influence of the Lurking Elder Princes and resigned from VOIDMAW to ensure I didn't snap.

Admittedly, this made my descent into madness even worse - I spent the next month constantly dissociating and having issues with my identity. Sometimes I didn't know who or what I was. I couldn't fucking think. I rode the wave and it tore me apart. I tried to keep myself together as best I could, and I had glimpses of clarity where I felt OK, but it was more like I was a badly bundled heap of paper. I needed work. May was a rough month, one of the worst in my life. Worse? I survived. I emerged victorious. I should be proud but the knowledge that I may have ended my own life in an alternate continuity of my existence haunts me for as long as it crosses my mind.

Eventually, I was tired of the bullshit and decided to open the mental doors I locked out of fear. On June 10th, 2022, I let it back in. Believe you me, I never lied - VOIDMAW truly has eyes and those eyes have fucking teeth. I braved its storm and deluge, an elixir of Blood and Saliva whose mass was so heavy that it tugged at my very heart.

In opening these mental doors, I let inside of me an aspect of my creation I never thought possible - an entirely new headmate. It took me a while to figure out what this headmate thing actually was, but in the end I did and now consider it a weird blessing. Overall, I've come to realize that in June, I relived what May could've been. I realize this because there were times in June where I felt similar to how I felt in May, only worse, yet also somehow fixed all the same.

It's July 5th, 2022 now and I can't believe I'm saying this, but I am truly happy. I am happy that I lived, that I am still standing strong, that I have a firm grasp on what I know can aid and hurt me, that I have learned what I have learned. I am grateful. Love is the Law or whatever, right? I love you all.

It is known Now and Never, Then and Forever. May the Courts of Holy XAOS never fester. May we all Live this Life Eternal. hail satan btw 313/390 - confusa

Pain itself teaches.

It's been almost three years since my last post and for good reason, believe you me. I've been busy making music, studying the occult and eastern religion and creating a whole bunch of crazy shit. Notebooks have been filled to the brim, rituals have been performed, and my mind has been flayed. I'm alive. I think? anyway. I hope time has treated you well!

- confusa